You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
