Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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