have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
