i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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