Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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