hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
