Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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