Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
