I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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