dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
