Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Randomize
