Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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