have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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