I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
