i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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