We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
