Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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