I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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