boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
