Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
