i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
