hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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