Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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