I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
