I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
