Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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