I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
