Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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