how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
