you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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