i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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