She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
