I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
