my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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