look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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