remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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