I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
