giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
