The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
