it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
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