I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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