i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
