Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
