You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
