I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Two words: blizzard sex
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When are your genitals available?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
