I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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