both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
