I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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