He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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