Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
