I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
