i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
