Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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