I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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