i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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