Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
