Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
