You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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