the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize