i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
