someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
