the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize