Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
