My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
