Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I did not marry a roomba.
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