I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
