forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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